JME

So today starts the first day on the road to derby. I bought skates! They fit so comfy. I can't believe how much nicer it feels. Next step is wrist guards because I've heard new skates skate more slick and I already have an issue standing on them and actually skating.

Holiday season is kicking off pretty well. Christmas will be small and contained and I'm glad for that. I don't want to go out and spend, spend, spend on gifts for people. I just want to get a few small gifts for a few close friends and maybe some stocking stuffer items for family. I like it best this way. The best part about Christmas is the company, the food, and the games... probably even in that order. (:

Love you all who fall into that catagory. Love a few of you others too.

Next adventure in Operation: Derby is learning to skate! Go me.

Sometimes I feel like there is this impossible thing that is before me. There are paths I can take to get around it or over it or through it, but where to start seems impossible to figure out. I know I want to go forward, I just am not sure how.

There is a long way to go. Most of which involves letting go and not reading too far into things that I don't see what is actually there.

Nothing for it. Just is.

Tomorrow is Sunday. One positive aside from all the exhausting constructiveness of this week and this weekend. I'm going to leave the heat off again and just curl under the covers until I absolutely have to force myself out of bed I think. I keep feeling like I'm messing things up with people. It feels like the more I try to get things to even keel, or get things back to good, that my efforts only contribute to the opposite. At the same time, I'm not sure silence in the answer because I know that's my typical route to go. I don't know what to do, or what I will do. I just feel like there is nothing I can do.

So I have now started over 40 auctions of old video games I haven't had the heart to let go of until now. I have nearly another 40 that I will put up after I finish with the batch I am on. I find it strange how long I held on to a lot of these games and how easily I am letting them go now. Granted, I'm not giving up everything. I have kept games of very sentimental importance to me for one reason or another.

In addition to these games, I'm also going to be letting go of a lot of old gaming books. I realize that 90% of the information in them is available online in some medium if I choose to get it. Otherwise they are also just taking up space with a loss of sentimentality to me.

Probably by the time I am done with all these auctions, I'll have well-lined pockets for the Christmas buying season and a bit more space in the closet. I estimate I'll have over 100 auctions concluded by the time I am finished. Though who am I kidding? I'll probably spend the money on paint or texture or sheet rock work... never mind when I turn loose my friends to unleash their home interior design fury on my barren home. 

I think I find it comforting that I am able to let go of these items and make room for new items. I do not want my house to fill with so many things it becomes cluttered with stuff that spends all or most of its time in a box in a closet. Maybe that is the greatest factor that allows me to let go.

I don't look forward to the headache of coordinating so many auctions at once though. Guess it's good I'm doing it in smaller-ish batches.

I have been in a kitten-free household for all of 10 minutes and I feel lonely.

So what now? 

Well now I know.

Good times ahead spent with Top L and the Secret Agent Ninja. Not to mention all the good times with Miss MO and Miss TV. Or even more better bestest mostest awesome still... good times with all my favorites. (:

I keep asking myself that. Anyone got the answer?

Whip It was an awesome flick. Way to go Drew for your debut. It original and fresh and I absolutely loved it. Not to mention the company was also the best. It's been too long since we've all been out and about. Just movie and some dinner, but was super nice to have the gang back together again! 

More fun adventures planned ahead. Looking forward to it all!

Uncertainty is sorta there. It makes me look away when I should keep my gaze. It makes me turn around when I should look ahead. It makes me afraid to ask when I know the answer. It makes me feel... just in the wrong sort of ways.

Why does the chaos I love so much right now cause so much uncertainty that I can't let go of? Why does it resemble hurting so much? I don't want to feel this way, but I don't know how to express it in a way that will release it.

I need That Friend. I just know I've never had one.

Where is my favorite pair of fuzzy socks with little kitties for toes?

Where are my blue stripe pillow cases that match my main set of sheets?

Where is my old address book that has all my old swimming friends in it?

Where is my old little black book that I wrote down both vicious and nice things about people?

Where are all those pictures I'm missing from the age I was too young to take them? 

Where is the shoebox all those old pictures are in?

Where is my collection of rare marbles my grandfather gave me?

Where did I hide that jack and slug washer when my father was building the Ranch Road house?

Where are my weeble-wobbles and why can I not find them anymore anywhere? (I would kill to have them back or even find that kind of toy again)

Where is my mind that I'm thinking about all these olde things I can't remember? 

Where is the worry of why? (:




 

 

Of all the nights to be restless, this is not one of them. Even at this moment, I have to be up in 5 hours. I'm tired, exhausted, and ready to sleep, I want to sleep... why won't my brain shut down? 

So what I am thinking about...

1. The softball game tonight and how I didn't feel confident in how I played.
2. What That Person is thinking right now and if things will be okay tomorrow.
3. How work will go tomorrow given I have to be in so early and take care of things.
4. Making sure I get the kitties to their appointment on Saturday.
5. Feeling a HUGE compulsion to write stuff, but not finding the time.
6. Thinking of stories I want to finish, but never seem to do more than scenes in my head.
7. If I'm going to make the kitties self-nurture tonight so I can sleep better.
8. If I ever get to sleep...
9. I wonder if Miss MO is okay and am hopeful, positive for her.
10. I hope She With The Most Cats is well and okay too.
11. I hope all of tomorrow goes well.
12. I hope I chose good wines tonight.

Probably more things too, just the first ones that came to mind. Any one of those could occupy my mind for hours.

Must... sleep.

The bruise on my arm looks like a face now. Two eyes, a nose and a mouth. It looks like a fuzzy face werewolf.

I know you've done it too.

You listen to a friend and you hear what they are going through and you can only think about a situation you found yourself in that you relate to either in how they feel or how it impacts them or the decisions they are making. All you can think about is telling them how it was for you, how they could look at it, what they could try because you have been there and you've done that and you've felt that and you know.

It makes it not about them anymore. It makes it about you. And that's not the point or the reason that they came to you. They came to you because they need you to listen, not to talk. We could all learn from listening more and talking less.

I could learn from listening more and talking less.

Sorry.
 

I'm awful at it, but it is fun. I need to be more relaxed and less afraid of falling. It is not skiing. I cannot use the tips of my feets. I need to use my feet even. I'm tired. So much fun. Great company! Didn't care that I fell like... um... I lost count but I fell a lot! (: 

I love my peeps. <3

On to other things, I'm very tired.  All I can think of at work lately is the next time I get to play. It helps get me through my days, and if it is a weekend event, it makes that Friday go by so ever slowly.

And even though I know she probably won't check here, I want to send out some ~~~~+++~~~~ for Miss MO. She needs them. (:

Thinking of you dear<3. I am absolutely confident it will all be okay!

I do have good days. I even enjoyed today a lot. I just can't shake a bad feeling. Feels like I'm being judged and that I've failed at whatever I'm being measured against. I feel like I have let people down, or am no longer what they are looking for in me. It feels quiet and unnoticed for me. I feel let go, passed over, or neglected. I have no idea if that is the case or not.

I do not know where to go from here. I don't want to rebuild the walls I've worked so hard to break down. I just feel them slowly creeping back up. I am feeling that jealous-kind feeling again. I'd thought I'd completely let it go and now it is back and I don't even know where to direct it. I don't even know where I want to go.

Not even one minute of my life fits in an entire textbook. I am not a case example. I am not a quantifiable measure in the back mind of a scholar given the sliver of my existence I could possibly explain in words. I do not understand why when I am so easily qualified by such things that it bothers me so much. I just know that it does. I cannot defend because I am proving it right to be defensive, and when I do not defend, I am proving it right because I am accepting the judgment passed.

So where do I go from here? How important is it? Do I step back or step up? I am uncertain and a little sad.

It is unamusing sometimes how quickly and easily someone can get to me. Time to step back. Maybe a sip of wine. Soon as I wind down, maybe time for bed. Breathing trick thingies now.

Yesterday was probably one of the most amazing days of my life. I would not have changed a thing. I went to Sweet Cheeks with some friends... Miss MO, TV, Top L, me, and Special Guest Star friend. We drank wine for most of the afternoon, and later, fought with duck fans over parking at the North Bank McMenamins.  I got to swap plates with Top L and I have no idea why that was fun, but it was all fun.

We went out dancing next. It was the first time out dancing for me in like... ever. I even danced a little bit, though poorly. It was all fun. I feel so completely comfortable with my friends. It's the most comfortable I have ever been with friends like... ever that I can recall.

Today I went for a walk, and aside from feeling like I was going to toss it for most of the walk (NEVER eat Mexican before a 5 mile walk) I sweat and panted and otherwise loved it. I only regret not feeling better so it could've been a more interactive and good-company (on my part) walk. Then again, goes back to previous paragraph. Comfortable person I was walking with, and I know we'll go again! I look forward to it.

Real friends are friends who hold the conversation for you while you're attempting to hurl on a tree and then pick back up with it when you actually don't hurl. Hurray for kick ass friends.

Happy as a clam in mud! <3
 

I like to listen to music where I don't understand the language because it forces me to listen to the music. My favorite things with most songs is the lyrics. When I don't know what they're saying, I can focus on other aspects of the songs, and songs in general. Usually I do it when I don't want to feel a particular way, occasionally I do it when I do want to feel a particular way.

Today while cleaning has been an Utada day. Not sure that'll make sense to anyone, but me.